When I first heard that professional eyebrows Cara Delevingne was on the cover of Vogue talking openly about her relationship with St. Vincent’s Annie Clark, I thought, “Awesome! We need more queer cover girls!” Then I read it. And sighed a deep, painful sigh.
Sweet Cara. Sweet, adorable, caterpillar-faced Cara. If you’re going to talk about your sexuality in a publication with a circulation of nearly one and a half million readers, not to mention the entire Internet, you should make sure you’re careful with your words.
For instance, maybe don’t imply that being bisexual or a lesbian has anything to do with having mommy issues. In one poignant, heart-felt moment, Ms. Delevingne explains that “women are what completely inspire me, and they have also been my downfall. I have only been hurt by women, my mother first of all.”
Well, that’s cute. As a lesbian, I can say that my mom has *nothing* to do with my sex life. If you’re eating pussy because of your mom, talk to your therapist, not a fucking magazine.
This portion of the interview kicks off with Delevingne explaining that she “had to accept” her sexuality at 20 years old, like she was diagnosed with a terminal illness, immediately adding that she has erotic dreams “only about men”—kind of like a more convoluted way of saying “No homo!”
She then, for whatever reason, goes on to explain her most recent erotic dream to this middle-aged man she’s just met. “I had one two nights ago where I went up to a guy in the back of a VW minivan, with a bunch of his friends around him, and pretty much jumped him.”
Cool story, bro.
To make things worse, Haskell decides to share his own brilliant two cents on the issue. “Her parents seem to think girls are just a phase for Cara” he writes, “and they may be correct.” Because Haskell knows a lot about these things, being a bisexual woman himself.
Delevingne makes it clear that not only is she more sexually attracted to men, she also only sees herself settling down with a man. “If I ever found a guy I could fall in love with, I’d want to marry him and have his children,” she says. Because that’s not something women do. (Oh wait.)
She then seals the deal by adding that she’s gay because women are crazy, and only they can accept how crazy she is, and men are far too level-headed and rational to ever love her as she is: totally fucking insane just like all other women.
“I think I’m a whole bunch of crazy,” she says, “and I always worry that a guy will walk away once he really, truly knows me.” Trust me, Cara, a lot of women would, too.
Then self-proclaimed psychiatrist and relationship expert Haskell goes on to suggest to Cara that “to trust a man, she might have to revise an old and stubborn idea of hers—that women are perennially troubled and therefore only women will accept her.” Thanks for that, Vogue contributor. He ends by saying: “her smile says she concedes the point.”
Oh, thank god. Delevingne hasn’t ruled out dick! All the readers can now relate. Because all straight girls know gay girls just haven’t found the right man yet, obviously.
One of the few gay women who wasn’t offended and/or confused by this weird interview was Cara’s ex-girlfriend Michelle Rodriguez, who always eloquently makes really good points. She probably wasn’t offended because Rodriquez herself was once so paranoid about being thought of as gay that she told the press she definitely wasn’t a lesbian, adding “Mitchie likes sausage,” which is, perhaps, the dykiest thing anyone has ever said.
Of the Delevingne interview, Rodriguez told Metro: “God bless her… The Vogue thing… I thought it was so cool.”
Yes, God bless her.