Lying in bed, lit only by the dim glow of my cellphone as I absentmindedly scroll through Instagram, my finger suddenly stops. Is that Anna Kendrick? I think. And then, Is she surrounded by hot lesbians?
I had so many questions about Kendrick’s seemingly lesbian-only Thanksgiving. Am I dreaming? Is Kendrick dating the short, curly-haired ginger sitting next to her? How many mason jars are on that table? What about the woman in the pajamas with the hoop earrings? What’s her story?
As far as we know, Anna Kendrick is straight, but she’s only 30, and lots of women were straight at 30. I wanted to find out more about this. Was Kendrick out and I just missed it? Or was she really just a straight girl at a super gay Thanksgiving? So I Googled, as I’m sure so many queer women did that night, “Anna Kendrick gay.”
The first article that appeared was one by a woman named Aileen Cullen for “EarnTheNecklace.com,”a site that promises to provide “the latest headlines for all your favorite celebrities, but without the sleaze.” It was a slightly (or very) tone-deaf piece where the author, Cullen, refused to acknowledge even the possibility that any of the women in the photo might be gay. Kind of like if your really religious aunt had written it.
Cullen found it offensive to assume these women are queer, as if being a lesbian were an insult, and was desperately trying to protect these strangers in the photo from having their names tarnished. “They’re not gay,” Cullen asserts, “they just love dogs and witchcraft and spirituality and comfy sweaters...”
She opens her article describing Kendrick’s Instagram photos as, “what looks like her and seven girlfriends sitting around a perfectly set table, but they’re all wearing big, cozy sweaters and track pants.” She doesn’t mention that four of the women have their arms around each other, and are probably dating, which we would naturally assume if they were members of the opposite sex. She also neglects to mention that one of the women is model Erika Linder, who is openly gay.
Cullen continues: “A little while later, Kendrick shared a second photo of the same group of ladies, plus a couple of adorable dogs, but this time they were laughing and huddled together on a bed.” Still nothing gay about this! Just best friends cuddling in some oversized Aztec-print sweaters in front of a wall of DREAM CATCHERS. Come on! This is my gay fever dream.
Kendrick even captioned the queer cuddle puddle with “Coven.” I mean, really.
“The pictures, which have since been liked by about 300,000 followers combined,” Cullen writes, “just seem to show a bunch of friends enjoying a lazy, comfortable evening at home.” Just a bunch of friends! No dykes here! “And yet people still found a way to turn it into something entirely different.” Something evil. Something dark. Something sleazy. Which is why we won’t mention it on EarnTheNecklace.com, because that’d be against our mission statement.
“While some fans commented on how much they loved the actress or to wish her a happy Thanksgiving, others felt the need to question whether the women in the photo, including Kendrick, were lesbians.” Because they are. They are lesbians.
“One fan even went so far as to ask if the photos were Kendrick’s way of “coming out.” Which was exactly what my girlfriend said when I texted her the two photos along with “Anna Kendrick had a hot-lesbians-only Thanksgiving.”
“However,” Cullen writes, “the Pitch Perfect star has been linked to a number of notable names in Hollywood, including a four-year relationship with director Edgar Wright and, most recently, a relationship with a cinematographer named Ben Richardson.”
And lord knows people don’t swing both ways. That’s a myth.
Even if Kendrick is 100-percent straight, it’s insane to not even recognize that some of these women are in fact gay. It’s like this straight girl is desperately trying to find another explanation for these women’s flawless sweat-pant game, perfectly side-parted hair, and the fact that they’re not with any men. (“Their boyfriends are probably taking the photos!”)
It’s okay to question whether or not someone is gay, especially if they’re attending a Thanksgiving dinner with 99.9 percent gay people. While it could be a simple misunderstanding, it shouldn’t be mistaken for an attack. When someone assumes I’m gay, I’m always grateful, because then they’re assuming I have a lot of orgasms and am maybe a witch.
Finally, Cullen provides her readers with a comforting ending, so as not to shatter their perfectly heterosexual lives by taking away one of their beloved heterosexual stars, when she writes, “While Kendrick does seem to be very much into men, she is still one of the most prominent stars to champion LGBT rights.”
Ah, no homo. Got it. Phew.